Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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