dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
