Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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