she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
