you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
