why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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