You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
