at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
