just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
