What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
