how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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