I have demons in me.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
