After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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