you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
