You're my little dorito
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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