I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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