Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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