I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
