I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
