Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
