God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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