Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
