I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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