I just saw a hot homeless man
I can text with my tongue
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
