Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
