Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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