Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
