But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
