I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
