I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
