awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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