my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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