I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
