He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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