i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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