well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
