I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
