You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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