there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
