Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
