I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
