It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
