I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
