As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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