so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
