How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
