What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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