i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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