During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
