she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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